Don’t Be Pure: Aiming for more than just sexual purity

In a way, today’s post is a Guest Article, Tool Post, Brandon’s long awaited return to MinistryLIVE, and a purity post all rolled into one. A couple weeks ago, I asked my good friend Brandon and his wife Megan (this is Ray writing, by the way) to speak for me on the topic of purity. They were awesome! The point so often missed in purity seminars, selflessness is the opposite of purity, is central to their seminar. This post is a condensed version of their notes. This is Megan Collins’ first appearance on MinistryLIVE, so welcome her heartily, and enjoy a very well written handling of a difficult topic.

If you’re like me, you’ve been to plenty of purity seminars. You’ve heard plenty about dating, modesty, thoughts, and sex. We’re not going to talk about any of that stuff.

The principle we want to share with you tonight is one that isn’t touched on a lot. Our title is “Don’t Be Pure.” We want you to stop trying to be pure.

Think about this: we don’t aim for neutrals; we aim for positives and negatives.

1. You don’t try to get a song out of your head by sitting in silence. You hum a different song.
2. You don’t try to get a thought out of your head by “thinking about nothing.” You think about something different.
3. You don’t get a bad taste out of your mouth by eating nothing. You eat something that tastes good to replace it.

This is a truth in life, but it’s also true spiritually.

Eph 4:22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

That is a 3-step process for change. You stop doing the bad thing, change your thinking, and start doing the good thing. Everybody see that?

Then he starts demonstrating that process a few different ways.

Eph 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

Eph 4:28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.

Eph 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Whenever we want to get sin out of our lives, we have to use this process.

Purity really means a lack of uncleanness, so for us to tell you to “be pure” would be like saying, “What we need you to do is stop being impure.” That may be a good principle, it’s even taught in the bible, but it’s not very practical. That would be like trying to get a bad taste out of your mouth by eating nothing.

Our full title is this, “Don’t be Pure, Be Selfless.”

Go ahead and say that: “Don’t be pure, be selfless.”

You see selflessness is the opposite of impurity. Whenever we sin in the area of purity, it’s because we’re focusing on fulfilling a desire that we have and focusing on ourselves. So, in order to rid ourselves of this sin, we need to focus on others. That is being selfless: thinking about others and not ourselves.

That sounds nice, but where is it in scripture?

Eph 5:2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Eph 5:3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

In these two verses, Paul shows that “walking in love” is the opposite of “sexual immorality and all impurity.” He sets them up as two sides of the issue. Being selfless is the same as saying “walk in love” since selflessness is love in action.

Have you ever heard married people tell you that being pure is still a struggle even after you’re married? I remember hearing that and wondering how that could be possible. In my mind, purity was a sex issue. So I figured, well, as soon as you can have sex, purity’s not a problem. But then I realized that the root of impurity isn’t sexual desire. It’s selfishness. That is a BIG problem, especially after you’re married.

Modesty

Guys I’m going to take a minute and talk just to the girls. Feel free to read along you might learn something.

Girls, think about when you wake up in the morning and you go to your closet or the suitcase in the middle of the floor and you begin the daunting task of picking out your outfit for the day. How many different shirts do you try on, how about shoes? I know it takes me at least 2-3 tries to get just the right outfit for the day. What am I getting at?

If you haven’t noticed guys are visual and I mean very visual. That is a wonderful thing because that is exactly the way that God has created men. God has created us women with the desire to be loved. Often the way that we feel loved is through attention. When a guy gives us attention that makes us feel loved or appreciated, is that wrong? NO! Is that impure? NO!

It becomes impure when we wake up in the morning and dress to attract attention; whether that be with the clothes that we wear or through the words that we speak. Immodesty is another form of impurity.

The heart of the issue is that we are selfish. It is selfish because you are focusing on yourself, and ignoring the fact that you might cause people around you to. Selflessness means dressing and acting in a way that does not draw attention to us. Remember when I said guys are visual…one of the best and practical ways to be selfless is when we’re thinking about what cute little outfit we are going to wear next. Think about it this way: “Is what I am wearing going to make the men around me struggle with purity?” This thought alone has helped me tremendously over the years. Believe me I have struggled with this area just like everyone else. This is a wonderful tool and practical way to put the need of someone else above your own, not only is that being selfless but it is also showing love to those around you.

Masturbation/Pornography

Think about masturbation or pornography. It’s easy to believe that those are sex issues. Someone wants sexual fulfillment so they do something or look at something in order to get it. But at the root of that sin is not sexual desire. That is something that God put inside of us. The problem is not sex, it’s selfishness.

When God designed sex He designed it to take place between a man and a woman who are married. When someone engages in masturbation or looks at pornography, they are trying to get the benefit of sex without the sacrifice of a relationship. They are saying “I’m going to get what I want and I don’t want to wait.” That’s selfishness.

Do you see what we’re getting at? Any sin that has to do with purity has, at its root, selfishness. So when we’re trying to defeat impurity in our lives, what we’re really aiming for is selflessness.

The more selfless you are, the more pure you’ll be.

The next question is how we can grow to be more selfless.

I have a few really practical ideas, but I just want to say right up front that the goal of these is a change of thinking. Remember back in Ephesians 4, the 3-step process for change? First it was put off (stop doing the negative actions), and then Paul said to change your thoughts, “Be renewed in the spirit of your mind.” We have to change our thought patterns so we can then turn around and change our actions. How can you consistently be thinking about selflessness, and when opportunities for it come up, how can you remember that selflessness is important if you really want to be pure?

Accountability

You probably already have someone keeping you accountable in areas of purity. If they’re asking you about it, have them also ask you to name specific ways that you’ve been selfless that week. That will serve as a reminder and will help put the pressure on you to be actively serving others. If you can’t give specific examples of times when you were selfless, you can be sure that temptation is right around the corner.

Write in Daily Devotions

Write something in your devotions about being selfless. That way you’ll see it every morning and start the day with that mindset. Again, another reminder.

Prayer

Pray and ask God to give you clear opportunities to be selfless each day. If you pray for them, you will be more inclined to take those opportunities when they come.

Setting Goals: This week I want to help so-and-so with this

Goals like: “I will find one way to serve each of my roommates this week.” Make sure you serve people you like and some that you don’t get along with very well. This will really push you to be selfless.

Fresh Ideas for your Church

Are you looking for some new ideas to grow your church? A a creative way to incorpoarte the holidays in your service or greet newcomers? Well, I am posting this book as a ministry tool, because I feel it is not only extremely practical for ministry within the local church, but also very creative. Full of,well….’fresh ideas’!

Diana Davis, author of Fresh Ideas: 1, 000 Ways to Grow a Thriving and Energetic Church , has given your local church a valuable tool for ministry. This book is divided up into chapters with cataloged ideas for everything from conducting a baptism service to ministry outreach, from great ideas to celebrate your church’s anniversary to Vacation Bible School!

I’ll share a few:

Communion Service- having a silent commmunion service, with directions on a sheet of paper, so individuals can spend time alone with God.

New Members- post a picture of them in the bulletin or newsletter.

Seminary Students- encourage them to share a word of testimony or get involved in a ministry when they are home. Give them opportunity to use what they’ve learned.

Church updates-offer them via postal service for people who do not use e-mail.

Graduation- hold a special event to honor graduates, such as a breakfast, barbeque or banquet.

Greeters-have a team of greeters armed with golf umbrellas on rainy days, to escort worshippers to and from their cars.

These are just a few of the 1,000 ideas that I found creative and helpful in my current ministry involvements.

You can click here to purchase: Fresh Ideas: 1,000 Ways to Grow a Thriving and Energetic Church or Diana Davis’ other book: Fresh ideas for Women’s Ministry, For more information on Diana Davis’ ministry, check out her website: Keeponshining.com.

From the Inside Out: The Need for Heart Change

Recently I set to work on what I like to call a ‘piece of potential’. There is an antique dresser in my house that has become more of a sorry piece of lonely furniture, rather than the ravishing beauty it was created to be. It looked a lot like something you’d see on the free portion of Craigslist, or on the curb around the corner.

So, while redoing my bedroom, I chose to restore it. Countless hours were spent to take this almost piece of garbage and make it look great again. Stripping it, sanding it, painting it… When it was all said and done….it looked like this:

Ok, nice…so what?

Well, as beautiful as this dresser now looks, appearances can be deceiving. If you were to open up a drawer and take a look inside, you would see what it looked like about 100 years ago. And combine that with what I call the ‘antique smell’; like something pulled out of a barn and dusted off after years of neglect. There are stains in the wood, it’s rough, and well,…pretty sad looking.

So what’s my point? As Christians, we are very much like this dresser.

I can comb my hair, apply my makeup, put on the best outfit I own, and top it off with a smile. I can quote verses and pray with people. I can look like a Christian who has a great relationship with God. I can fool anyone I want into thinking I have it all together. That is, until you really get to know me. Unless I’ve spent time in the Word of God, allowing God to weed out my sin and restore me, I am just like that antique dresser.

No matter how good I was in my prime, at the moment I was closest to God, it no longer matters if I’m not walking with Him today.

I quickly covered the ugly looking inside of the drawers with piles of folded clothes. A quick and practical solution, considering it’s a dresser. But what about our spiritual lives? What about our hearts? Are we quick to cover up a lacking spiritual life with Christian duties, kind words, pleasant smiles?

What if someone opened up the drawers of your heart and pried in? What would they find? Would they see a sleek, and well maintained life? Or smell the stench of must from a heart for God that is ill cared for and often neglected?

The Lord tells Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7: “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

In Matthew 12:34 the Lord says:For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Be assured, that it will not be long before the condition of your heart will be made clear. Whether by word or deed.

So, I encourage you today; to spend time in the Word of God. To examine your heart. To get right before the Lord.

You may be able to lead everyone around you to believe you are doing fine, for a time. But don’t kid yourself. If you’re not walking with the Lord, people will eventually see it. Sooner or later it will be made apparent.

In your Discipleship

Now, let’s apply this to your discipleship relationship.

We spend too much time focusing on externals. Your goal is not to make your disciplee conform. Your concern should not be their performance. Your focus should be on the heart. If you think you can fool people, be sure that your disciplee is capable of the same thing.

They may memorize verses, do Christian services and have a daily time in God’s Word. But this does not mean their heart is right with God.

It is so important to pray for wisdom, to ask questions and to be focused on their heart.

It is worthless to encourage them to be doing things for God, if they are not close to Him in the first place. But if their heart is right, their actions will follow. So, focus on the heart….the inside…and let God transform them, and you, from the inside out.

Church Discipline: Dealing with Sin

A couple of weeks ago we introduced a concept we call a “Guest Tool” article. It combines our “Tool” posts, where we try to provide you with all sorts of tools, with our “Guest Articles.” Here today is another. Pastor and Professor Don McCall specializes in helping churches come together again after a church split. He has been serving as a professor and a pastor for decades and has the experience and track record to back up his thoughts and biblical ideas on most issues in the church.

Here’s a tough one: Church Discipline. Most people know that church discipline is biblical but most don’t know when or how to go about it. Just think about your church. When was the last time you saw your church involved in church discipline? If the answer is never, or “it’s been years” then most likely there’s something you could learn, because do we really think that all the people in our church are not living in some kind of habitual sin that they refuse to repent of?

It seems to me that our lack of church discipline is due to two causes.

• We don’t know much about it, or know how to go about it in a God honoring way
• We don’t take sin seriously enough

In order to take care of the first reason Pastor McCall has provided this PowerPoint on the subject. It is free to use and reuse as long as you cite authorship. You can download it HERE. And to deal with the second point read these articles on the subject. The Seriousness of Sin Part 1; and The Seriousness of Sin Part 2.

Download Pastor McCall’s PowerPoint Titled: “Biblical Church Discipline“

The Power of Testimony

A testimony is a very powerful thing. There’s just something about hearing a personal story and seeing the fire in that person’s eyes, the quiver of their lip. I can’t really explain why it’s so powerful, but most of us make the automatic connection:

“if it worked for her… then it should for me, right?”

I really believe that’s why there are so many personal stories in the Bible. The Centurion, the Woman at the Well, the Samaritain, the Prodigal, Peter, John, Paul, Moses, Joseph, Job… they were all real people. Question:

How can you capture the power of those Biblical testimonies and use them in your service?

Check out this video. It shows just how powerful a testimony can be.

A few observations:

• Passion. There is a certain amount of passion required to communicate something like this. If you are planning to write a piece like this to perform live or to produce a video passion is a must. Without Passion, a testimony is flat. It takes a very good actor to perform something like this convincingly.
• Videography. The camera work and graphics ad a lot to this piece. If you plan to make a video, don’t take the camera work or editing for granted. A lot can be done to communicate with video. Don’t be tied to the rules. Rarely are effective videos made with stock-standard camera work. Think outside the box with your videography as well as with your script and acting.
• Poetry. There is a certain power in good poetry. We are a little afraid of it in Christian circles (at least, the conservative ones). Progressive poetry can be extremely communicative. Don’t be afraid to share you’re poetry. I have found that a lot of creative types (like me) write poetry in secret and rarely do we share it. Usually our poetry breaks the rules. It doesn’t rhyme or it sounds cheesy to us, but we write it because our passions spill out of us in creative ways. Let me encourage you, USE YOUR POETRY! It’s effective, you just don’t think that would be. (Here’s another example) Find the right setting, and let her rip!

I am afraid that many of with creative tendencies keep our best material to ourselves. This video is an excellent example of how our most private musings on the Word of God can become very effective ministry tools– communication tools. Let’s not be selfish with our creative arts. Share.

Bringing Teens into Youth Groups and Churches through Relationship Building

When ministries look to grow it is an obvious need to understand what it is that will draw more people in. For youth ministries and teen groups that question is restricted to teenagers. I hope that we as churches, ministers, and youth workers are not misunderstanding the patterns of the culture around us.05

I read this quote in an article about music trends and ministry from youthworker.com (Youthworker Journal’s website):

“I think with the iPods we’re seeing more antisocial behavior with our students… They can play video games alone, go on MySpace and IM and text message alone and listen to music alone. I’ve actually seen groups of students hanging out together all with headphones in their ears, listening to their own music. So how do we make the antisocial social again?”

I hate to be negative, but I hope we are not this blind to the social trends of our day. Catch the wording? iPods are a social trend. People buy them and use them in part because they have friends who buy and use them. We have to understand our society in context (funny how context is important no matter what you’re talking about). Teens aren’t antisocial, they’re just starting to relate in different ways.

Think about some of the other things in the quote:

• MySpace: a social network. By definition you cannot visit MySpace “alone”. The very act of visiting is a social action.
• Music: sometimes can be used in an antisocial way but it usually fills social needs (loneliness, depression, acceptance).
• IM and Texting: they’re not writing to themselves…

I’m not trying to be sarcastic. My point is this: If we want to connect with teens and bring them into our churches and youth groups we must use their desire for social interaction to springboard those efforts.

We have a whole generation of teenagers and children that are dying for someone to talk to. Now is the time for relationship building. If we can be the people that teens come to instead of music, texting, or MySpace, we will finally start speaking their language and giving them what they really wanted in the first place: love. If we want to start reaching youth with the gospel, we must start meeting the needs that things like MySpace and texting are meeting now.

How are you building meaningful relationships with the youth you minister to?

Bleeding Passion: Communicate Your Excitement

I was reading a story about David the other day. The mighty warrior king, David, led his people in worshiping the Lord. He sang out loud and danced in public to honor the Lord. His wife despised him for the display, but that didn’t matter to David. The whole nation was inspired to worship the Lord, because the King did, and did quite publically.

Here’s the context: David was leading the processional (parade really) of elders, priests, musicians and soldiers that were bringing the Ark of the Covenant into the city of Jerusalem. When David became king, the city was not a part of the nation of Israel. The Jebusites controlled Jerusalem. The capital was elsewhere, and the Ark was being kept in a Philistine controlled city. The nation was barely hanging on in the face of Philistine aggression from the south west while dealing with pockets of Canaanite resistance still within its borders. David asked for volunteers from his army to climb the mountain and kick the Jebusites out of the city. Joab led the charge. He would later become the chief commander in David’s army.

David moved his capital to Jerusalem, and eventually pushed back the Philistines enough to reclaim the Ark. The first attempt to move the Ark ended tragically. We all know the story of Uzzah, and how David’s compromise led to his death. David grieved for a short time, and then returned to do it right. That was the story that I read.

When things were exciting,
When God was working,
When his people worshiped beside him,

When he was in perfect fellowship with God, David danced before the Lord in view of the entire nation, not caring who saw him. When was the last time you heard a Christian leader come unglued because of what God had done? A salvation testimony evokes polite amens, and what… a smile!?…

When does God excite us?

I mean really make our stomach jump

our hair stand on end
make us shout
make us dance?

 

 

I understand that some of this is a cultural thing. Americans usually curb enthusiasm, and the ancient Israelites definitely did not. (a few examples: torn robes, sack cloth & ashes, singing, shouting, dancing) But surely, the Infinite God, and his work on earth would cause a shout or two without regard to who is watching. When was the last time that you couldn’t contain yourself? This blog is not about igniting your passion; it is about helping you to communicate clearly the passion that is already inside of you. I believe that many times all it takes is a willingness to cut loose. It may take a willingness to be mistaken as a pentecostal. But tell me this, should the sneers of a few critics keep you from expressing clearly the passion that you feel so strongly about? It didn’t stop David. So what are you waiting for?

Remember that we communicate just as much with what we do, than what we say. If my body language does not match my proclamation of, “I’m really excited to hear that.” We have not communicated.

So go ahead, let your passion show, lead those around you to live passionately and ignore the “Michals” around you.

Vulnerability in Ministry-How is Your Walk with God?

Today’s post is by a friend of MinistryLive; Nicole Benner. Nicole is a graduate of Rosedale Bible College, was a member of the Missions Organization Reach, and currently works in the Social Services field. She is commited to the furthering of the Gospel and the ministry of training others to grow in their walk with the Lord. So, welcome Nicole Benner to MinistryLive as today’s Guest Blogger.

Several years ago I set off to embark on a wonderful adventure. The only problem was that I had no idea of what lied ahead! Going into missions sounded like a good choice to me and to those around me. The very thought of it excited me more than following in the same path of so many of my peers, who were running off to “indoctrinate” themselves at college. 

So, fresh out of high school, I stepped out of my car onto the foreign land of Columbus, Ohio, where my year as a missionary began. The next three months were dedicated to hours of teaching and praying and what I did not expect; being ruined for real life. I really had no expectations of what was going to happen. My only goal was to come back different than when I began. 

Dean Sherman, with his relationship videos, brought the 30 of us students some humor. How can you take a man with a bulky orange mustache and coke bottle glasses seriously? But, not all of the training was as lighthearted.

The teaching on the “divine plumb line” (basis found in Isaiah) proved to be an emotionally draining week. The teaching comes from when God told the Israelites that He would put up a ’plumb line’ against them to see if they would measure up to God’s holy standard.

 This teaching challenged me to see if I was living a holy life as well. God’s spirit moved in such a way, that we were all coming up, one after another confessing sins that we had never shared with anyone. 

I give God all the credit for giving everyone in training the boldness in sharing such deep hurts and struggles. I stand in awe of the freedom many of us experienced.  However, I can’t help but believe that if each of us were not willing to be vulnerable and open, God would not have been able to move so freely. 

 I share all that, to say that growing in our relationship with God and one another requires vulnerability. My teachers and mentors have proven to be great tools, used for testing and strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father. My mentors can only challenge me on the things I share with them. The more open I am, the more we are able to get down to heart issues that need to change.  

 In order to accomplish this, I must be vulnerable. I must willingly let the Lord search my heart and draw out sin. I cannot be effective in ministry unless I have first allowed the Lord to work in my heart what I wish Him to work in so many others.

A key verse that was memorized during my training was found in James. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”  

Confessing doesn’t come naturally. But when it does come, freedom follows it. In order to be able to be effectively discipled, one must be open to share all things. Through confession and prayer, healing comes. Only when we, as disciples,  give up the right to privacy, can God work through our mentor and wholly in us. 

 Let me tell you that the rewards are worth the tears and vulnerability! I’ve never made it to a mountain without going through a valley. God is faithful to heal. However, how can we heal if we do not acknowledge the sin and bondage that we are in? 

 Open and vulnerable are two words that have greatly impacted the way I am ministered to by others. I would encourage you to keep those words in mind in your mentor/discipleship ministry, as it will transform you and aid the relationship you build with those around you. 

Games and Ice-Breakers for Youth and Kids (from 1-92) - Episode 5

ChaCha is a free, informational text messaging service. If you text a question to ‘chacha’ (or 242242), it will be read, researched and answered by real person in real-time. On average, a question takes 3 minutes to come back. You will receive a text message back with the answer. The following ice-breaker is utilizes this service and requires at least one phone with texting enabled (please keep in mine that normal texting rates WILL apply).

The Ultimate Question: Start with a statement like: “I bet I can answer any question you guys can ask me. I know you don’t believe me, but to prove it, some give me one question that you think I can’t answer.” There will probably be some question like “What is the square root of pi?” or “Who won the world series in 1932?” Obviously you will be stumped.

Pull out your phone (or a borrowed phone) and text the question to ChaCha (the students will probably either be confused or claim that you’re cheating). When you’ve sent the message, explain the rest of the game to the students…

Tell them what ChaCha is and that you’ll be using this service for the ice-breaker. The goal is to come up with “The Ultimate Question.” Depending on the size of the group, have the teens break up into groups with people who have cell phones that can text (if your group probably won’t have any, try getting two phones and using only two groups with a leader keeping an eye on the borro

wed phone in each) and work together to try to stump ChaCha. They have 6 minutes (or however long you wish) to accomplish this task.

By this time, the leader who started the ice-breaker will probably have their answer back from ChaCha and can then demonstrate how cool ChaCha is. With that, begin the time and let the students go to work.

How to find a winner: There are a few ways to do this…

• If only one group stumps ChaCha, they are the winners.
• If no group stumps ChaCha, have the groups pick one question and its answer and submit it for the whole group to vote on (the texts should be saved on their phone if they forget)
• If multiple groups stump ChaCha, the groups that accomplished the task will submit one question and its answer for the whole group to vote on.

Alternate Endings:

• Have the groups think of funny (but appropriate) questions.
• Have the groups try to illicit funny (but appropriate) answers from ChaCha.
• Do the students vs. the leaders to see who can stump ChaCha. 

A Formula for Everlasting Love

The relationship between a husband and a wife yields a communication dynamic that is unlike anything else. It is dynamic about which I am sorely ignorant. Lord willing, I will be more knowledgeable about that particular form of communication at some time in the future. In the mean time, I am happy to welcome Dr. Richard Nicastro as a guest blogger to MinistryLIVE. Dr. Nicastro is a phycologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching ministry buisness that helps couples strenghten their relationships.

I bet if I asked you what you had for breakfast this morning, you’d have a concrete answer. (Even if the answer is “Black coffee” or “Didn’t have time.”)

But how about if I ask you to recall something arguably more important than a single morning meal? Let’s see how you fare:

In what specific way did you make your partner feel important today? Hmmm?

You didn’t think of it? Okay, one missed opportunity might not be a big deal.

How did you make your significant other feel special yesterday?

What’s that? You were too busy. I totally understand — when the workday ends, you have to juggle the kids’ itineraries: soccer, music lessons, math tutor. Not to mention putting food on the table. Gotcha.

So reach back into the recesses of your memory.

• What did you do to openly communicate how important your partner or spouse is to you last week? Last month?

I’m sure you get my point. But it’s a point that needs stating anyway, since it applies to each and every one of us:

Your marriage or relationship needs continual nurturing in order to remain healthy.

Gardening is an apropos analogy: consistent care (watering, weeding, and pruning) is needed for your garden to flourish. Can you imagine what your rose garden would look like after ignoring it for several weeks?

• Formula for Love and Intimacy

One of the most effective ways to keep love alive and deepen intimacy is to find ways to make your spouse or partner feel cared for and important.

• A Great Formula: You and your partner + messages of appreciation = Lasting Love

Here’s the best part: you can make your partner feel important in as little time as it takes to comb your hair.

Typically, when we talk to our mates, we tend to focus on the things that have to be done. (”Are you picking Tobey up from karate, or am I?” “Did you mail the mortgage payment?”) And in general, we also naturally tend to point out things that need fixing. (”Waiter, I asked for the hollandaise on the side…my eggs are drowning in it.”) But how often do we take the tiny amount of time to regularly articulate the things that work?

All too often, when things are running smoothly, we begin to neglect what works in our marriages or relationships. The cost of this neglect: you and your partner begin to feel unappreciated, emotional intimacy between you dwindles, sex becomes rote and mechanical. People often rationalize that it isn’t so bad living in a chronic state of disconnection from their loved one (after all, most of the couples you know don’t seem happy either). Some look to people outside of the relationship to make them feel special and appreciated. It shouldn’t be this way. And it doesn’t have to.

• Change patterns of love-neglect

Keep this simple. In fact, the simpler the better. The goal is to be consistent and make it last. (And most people, no matter how busy, can wedge simple, easy tasks into their routines.) Start with small, loving, and supportive statements. Here are few areas to focus on in your marriage or relationship:

• • Messages of appreciation:

Any sentiment that communicates thanks and gratitude fall into this category.

Make it a habit to say “Thank you” more often, even when you partner or spouse does the little things that s/he has done a million times before (poured you the first cup of morning coffee, fed the dog, took out the trash… even if you had to ask). Make sure your partner hears your thanks. (In other words, don’t mutter it or say it under your breath. Be generous with your verbalized gratitude.)

Beyond “Thank you,” try to add statements like:

• • • “You’re such a giving person.”

§ “That was so thoughtful of you.”

§ “That really helped me.”

§ “I appreciate what you did for me.”

§ “You’re such a hard worker.”

§ “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

§ “That was kind of you.”

As you grow more accustomed to pointing out the positive things, you’ll naturally see places where these types of statements will fit. And of course your partner will be more motivated to continue to do whatever it was that earned your warm appreciation. So you shape a wonderfully reciprocal situation when you tell him/her you appreciate something.

Here are some other ideas for statements you can use in other situations:

• Messages of love and interest:

“I love you”; “I missed you”; “I can’t wait to see you”; “You make me so happy”; “I love spending time with you”; “I look forward to spending time with you”; “I’m thinking of you”; “I love that about you”; “How was your day?”; “I’d love to hear about it”; “How would you like to celebrate?”

• Messages of support and commitment:

“We’re in this together”; “What can I do to help?”; “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it”; “That took a lot of courage”; “I’m so proud of you”; “You did a great job”; “I’m sending you good-luck vibes”; “I’m here for you”; “Tell me what you need.”

• Gestures of love and support:

Actions often speak louder than words. So in addition to regularly sending your partner verbal messages of appreciation to make him/her feel special, take the necessary action steps to make this happen in other ways. And remember, big gestures aren’t necessary. A relationship benefits from regular, consistent, smaller gestures, not large-but-rare ones.

A kiss; a hug; holding hands; touching one another; a smile; a loving glance; a wink; a wave; a thumbs-up; a high-five; making him laugh or smile; making her coffee; bringing home his favorite food; a loving note, e-mail, text message, or voice message; a gift; a pleasant surprise; helping out more; being present; being playful; planning for fun…

These lists are by no means exhaustive. Start with them and practice with your partner. It’s important to feel the truth behind each statement of love you send. If you parrot statements you truly don’t believe, your insincerity will come through. Your goal is to touch your partner’s heart, and to do that you have to be in tune with your own heart first.

Feeling loved and appreciated go hand-in-hand. Love and emotional intimacy are nurtured by messages and actions that make you and your partner feel special. While this tends to flow naturally when couples are first dating, years into the relationship it often takes reminders and consistent effort to stay on top of this vital part of your relationship.